Aviso: Although I am an intuitive reader, most but not all of this article is based on psychology and common sense. I always believe in using common sense first to solve one’s problems. That being said, every person’s situation is specific to them and there are exceptions to any rule. Each person must thoroughly evaluate their own situation. This article is meant only to provide general observations and helpful hints.
I have had so many clients who have had broken hearts, indeed I have been broken hearted myself and it was very painful. Heartbreak can manifest into actual physical problems. The American Heart Association says “Broken heart syndrome, also called stress-induced cardiomyopathy or takotsubo cardiomyopathy, can strike even if you’re healthy. (Tako tsubo, by the way, are octopus traps that resemble the pot-like shape of the stricken heart.)” Unfortunately, this can be misdiagnosed as a heart attack or lead to temporary heart muscle failure. Fortunately, most of my brokenhearted clients were able to pick themselves up and find an even better relationship by following the guidelines below.
The first thing I do in my consultations with individuals who are broken hearted is to determine if the client’s relationship is actual. Some people have relationships with others that are in their minds only or vastly exaggerated. That doesn’t mean that those individuals don’t feel the immense pain of heartbreak, but they may require somewhat different advice.
People who have had real fulfilling relationships and have lost those relationships feel as though their lives are over and they will never love again. They often feel great mental and physical pain. It is most important that they do not become addicted to that pain and perceive their lives as some romantic tragedy that they choose to remain in for a prolonged time. Given all the romantic literature and movies devoted to such subjects, it is no wonder that individuals relate to what they have seen portrayed in movies or read in books. It is vital for a person who wants to have a real relationship with another individual to not become a romance addict. The psychological literature often refers to this as being a “love addict”. I believe that that nomenclature is misleading because the word love is so squirrelly. It means different things in different circumstances. Addiction to romance has to do with becoming addicted to the rush of endorphins one experiences in falling “in love” romantically, followed by the crash that occurs when the love object departs or does not live up to being an idealized person. This in turn is followed by the recitation of the latest romantic tragedy to friends and others, which serves to bring attention to the sufferer in such a way that portrays them as the hero or heroine of a romance novel. This cycle needs to be broken before a healthy love relationship can ensue.
The first thing I recommend to any broken hearted person is that they live in the moment and find small things that are pleasing, like a walk in the park on a sunny day or a chocolate covered banana or a cute puppy. This may sound trite but it isn’t. Every moment one spends not thinking about their loss and instead perceives something pleasing, is a major step in the right direction. If the person is extremely depressed it is vital that they go outside into the light of day each day before noon, and when possible, in the sunshine. They must actively try to be observant of pleasing stimuli.
In most cases I recommend that the sufferer cease immediately trying to contact the individual with whom they had the relationship. This avoids them making a fool of themselves, thereby restoring their dignity in their own eyes and in the eyes of the former lover. They feel less badly about themselves. Begging to be loved and needed simply doesn’t work. The broken hearted person will not be made better if their former lover feels sorry for them. A good tactic here is to reverse roles. The person should try to recall when someone begged them to care. Their response was at best, pity; at worst, revulsion. I realize that this is tough medicine.
The sufferer should destroy or hide all remnants of the relationship. The hurt party may need a little time to do this. There is a psychic aspect to ridding oneself of things given to one by the former lover. It can help greatly to free the hurt person from these binding objects. We have all heard something to the effect of: “All gifts have strings attached.” This can be true on a spiritual level. Something given to one by a former lover can have the psychic energy of that person attached to it binding one to that person.
One should go through living spaces and gather remnants of the relationship; getting rid of those things that are bearable to part with and putting the rest in a box lined in black paper and covering it with aluminum foil. If possible the box should be stored in a trusted relative’s or friend’s basement. Out of sight, out of mind. This should include all photos as well. Engaged women should not throw their engagement rings in the toilet and flush it! Amazingly I have been contacted by a number of people who have done this, hoping I would be able to help them retrieve it.
Then I recommend broken hearted people actively persist in changing their thoughts. Negative self talk is the culprit here. Brokenhearted or not, negative self talk is a big problem amongst almost all people. I find that meditation and cleansing the mind of all thoughts may be the best medicine for many of life’s vicissitudes. Often people are unable to do that effectively, so watching one’s thoughts and stopping oneself from the cycle of negative thinking by saying positive affirmations and refusing to accept the negative ones is the next best thing. A person must be extremely persistent and resolute with this regimen.
I also recommend that in a month or so (the timeframe varies) that the person force themselves to go out socially, first with friends and later on dates with anyone who is presentable. One doesn’t have to be madly in love with someone to go out for a drink or dinner with them. Mostly these dates won’t turn into the love of one’s life, but some of these dates can be helpful or reveal a new friend or a new social pursuit. Often that date who you discover you like, but not in “that way”, will introduce you to someone with whom you may fall head over heels in love.
“Will he or she come back to me?” is a very common question. Many times the runaway lover will return to see what happened to the former inamorata. This is far less likely to happen if the spurned lover contacts the runaway lover repeatedly. Some of the couples will indeed get back together. But the spurned lover is much better off if they act like this will not happen and go about their life being an interesting and interested person. Moping and waiting for the return of the lover, results in a less than sparkling personality and will make the jilted one less attractive in general. And just maybe the broken-hearted one will find that the ex wasn’t all that great after all and that someone new has lit their fire even more passionately.
Fahrusha is an intuitive consultant who can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org. To be sure of receiving her answer, be sure to whitelist her in your computer’s address book.